thought:

Tuesday, 22 September 2009


  • Post college apocalypse, Day 158

    And with our pockets full of rocks, we all fall down.

    At least some of us.  We are falling hard.

    Where is the philosopher?  Where is the songbird?  They are drowned in the drink; they are washed in their shame; they are saturated in the emptiness of their beds night after night.  Where is their insight?  It is lost.  Where is their dance with the heavens?  It is forgotten.

    Stupidity is their king.  Lawlessness rules us all.

    I mourn you.  Please come back.  You are never too late.

Monday, 07 September 2009


  • Unlike the one leading to my living room, the side door at work is noiseless with exception of one faint, prolonged creak.  This is the alert to all upper management that again I have arrived approximately three minutes late.  As if the sleek glass didn't give away my stealthy arrival, the metallic frame and lock only enhance my entrance and the entrance/exit of several hundred people during the course of the day.

    My tried and true vintage wooden door is another story, as most doors are.  The brassy handle has to be forced open and shut with a series of staccato thwack!s, alerting everyone to my arrival home, and the arrival/departure of many friends blowing through on the wind.

    I am covered in doors.  I have been assured for the past two years of the perpetual revolving door set firmly in my frame of reference.  I crave the root of an open passage.  I want consistency, things properly in their place.  I want to know where I'm going, what I'm doing, who will pull me through time....  But when all I desire is attained, will I become restless once more?  Will I be fulfilled where I am?

    To pull the door shut behind me- that is my greatest concern.  If I am still restless, I pray for an open window, or the courage to jump through a closed one.

Friday, 21 August 2009


  • Tired.  So tired.  I am attempting to be so very patient about life, about waiting on the bigger pieces of my personal puzzle to fit together.  I am exhausted.

    I know the jump to the rest of my life has to be plotted carefully, as most of us spend our youth contriving American dreams and death-til-we-parts.  Still, I am restless on occasion.  I can't wait to commit.

    A ticket.  A ring.  A career.

    So lofty...  I twiddle my fingers into knots.

Tuesday, 21 July 2009

Tuesday, 07 July 2009


  • Today I am in a state of mild obsession.  I cannot remove myself from the internet at the present moment, or spending money for that matter.  I almost worry myself as I am somewhat concerned for my financial habits. 

    Yes, I have had some horrible situations not caused by my own actions thrust into my life, but I know how to dig myself a deep financial pit.  Once I was able to paid my way to Europe, everything under three thousand dollars is fair game (which is a fancy way to say justified spending).  I need to get a grip before I cannot eat or pay rent.  My mother has been there, and unfortunately refused to share her struggle with my brother and I, which I fear will aid in our ruin.  We want to be hospitable, to give, to live with full stomachs and nice things....  I need help. :\

  • Today I am in a state of mild obsession.  I cannot remove myself from the internet at the present moment, or spending money for that matter.  I almost worry myself as I am somewhat concerned for my financial habits. 

    Yes, I have had some horrible situations not caused by my own actions thrust into my life, but I know how to dig myself a deep financial pit.  Once I was able to paid my way to Europe, everything under three thousand dollars is fair game (which is a fancy way to say justified spending).  I need to get a grip before I cannot eat or pay rent.  My mother has been there, and unfortunately refused to share her struggle with my brother and I, which I fear will aid in our ruin.  We want to be hospitable, to give, to live with full stomachs and nice things....  I need help. :\

Tuesday, 23 June 2009

  • post college- and why school was not the best time of my life


    Oddly enough, after recovering from the shock of a college career, I feel myself expanding into a fuller person.  That said, I haven't been eating consistently, so all this expanding is in an creative/intellectual/spiritual direction. 

    Now two months out and promptly digesting college, I find the institution was an outside force inhibiting my personal growth.  Granted, I had wonderful times with wonderful people while "pursuing my education," but I felt the constant grind on my mind, on my nerves, on my heart as I shirked some work in place of sleep, little fun, and creative ventures in general.  I can see where those principles most responsible for who I am now have stuck fast, as I gently reset myself back to whom I've longed to be.

    Imagine:  I now make my own occasions to read and enjoy deeply those pursuits, I broaden my palette with deep wines, lavender, and apricots as of late, and I challenge my spiritual foundations regularly, if only by living in the most homosexual community in the Midwest.

    I love the life I breathed into my living room with a fresh coat of paint.  I have become a compulsive flower snatcher on my regular bike rides.  I rejoice in the extra shoot on my pumpkin vine and the flowers on my tomato plants.  I talk regularly with my boyfriend of our newly sprouting wedding plans, photographers, and the vows we will take under fallen leaves sometime next year (not engaged yet, but soon!  So soon!).  I am a gourmet chef (when it comes to all things pasta/pasta sauce) for many travelers and friends that blow in on cool breezes.  For the first time in a LONG time, I feel incredibly whole and give great thanks.

    I wish the same for you all.  Find your wholeness. 
  • Visit Deep_Nside's Xanga Site
    • Name: Danielle
    • Birthday: 3/9/1987
    • Gender: Female
    • Member Since: 4/24/2004

Impulse.