For all my wild misadventures and crazy schemings, today I am overwhelmed with ennui.  I love living in the city, or near by as it is.  Perhaps my lack of sleep is feeding into this half- baked sentiment. 

Work at home is difficult, mostly because I don't get sent home with enough to occupy me for eight hours.  However, the job is agreeable, I get my big paycheck in three days, and they treat me with great respect.  I feel most nervous about the new intern coming in two weeks.  The kid is from Paris and knows almost no English, and the office has dubbed me the official goodwill ambassador since I can count and order food en francais.

I suppose I can't say I'm hurting for a challenge.  In some respects, I believe that is worth the dizzying sleepiness of days like these.

Wow, it has been such a long struggle since my last entry.  I am relieved that the blogging fad is on its decline, if only so I can enjoy the boldening privilege of sending a thought potentially unanswered into the world wide vacuum.  Is it just me, or is the thought of voicing an echoing thought into the void somehow enticing?

My life is making many drastic changes: changes of perspective, address, security, and expectantly a change of pace. 

I have just returned from Europe on my [first] international excursion.  Man was not meant to fly in altitudes that require perpetuating stale oxygen for nine hours, or at least that is my opinion.  Touching down was indeed surreal, knowing I had circumnavigated the globe in mere hours.  Home was far away and still is under the sun of a different day. 

People understand life as a little fuller and a little less alone over there.  The general homeowner can't wait to upgrade to a small apartment in the city slightly bigger than my bedroom.  The cheapest food is indeed the freshest, and consequentially the healthiest.  Everyone walks or bikes, everyone is slim.  The average European knows at least three languages because they have to communicate with those around them.  And stress?  They literally have no translation for that word.  They work to live life, and we live to work.

I am leaving.  This summer begins my European life.  My dad and I will exist together for several months in a one- bedroom apartment with no cable, internet, or privacy.  The couch will be my room.  However, I am ecstatic and eager to be content with a stress-free, deeper, honest living.  I am so very ready.

The snow is swirling in soft and dusty drifts today.  I just keep wishing for a hill.

Sigh.  Beautiful life this is.... 

Dang, it's tough trying to get back to life after the flu.  I feel like my former plans just took a bullet to the head (ie: I'm behind AGAIN) and again, I am struggling. 

Also in shocking fashion, I am rapidly less enthralled with campus life.  I am finding myself so sick of being here, not that I've been vexed by anything in particular.  I just want to get on with my life, get married, get involved with a job I enjoy....  I feel like the thrill that was college is so quickly drying up into some mundane obligation, and the more I escape, the more obvious it becomes.

That being said, I should probably not have gone out for sushi today- it was far too adventurous and exciting.  I ate grilled whole squid and had octopus tentacle in my teeth.  Soooooo good and sooooo not available on campus.

I am bursting with anticipation of a great spring.  Perhaps the residue of the semester from hell has finally deteriorated because the future looks so bright.  Europe, the coffee shop, potential relationship plans, and blowing my former portfolio out of the water- so much is on the horizon.

And it started off with a bang.

I realize almost every entry written within the past two months has been a private post.  This causes me to question whether I have become a more private person or my behaviors are becoming more taboo.  How amazing it seems that one can only be open with the world when they are untouched by it.  Either way, it appears I am becoming deeper or darker.

Observing past posts, I am floored by how in love I was with people, how intellectual I appeared.  I long to adore the general public once more, and I crave the drive to thrust myself into mentally stimulating pursuits. 

But frankly, I
                       am
                              tired.
                                               I fear crawling into a collapsing tunnel by drawing focus to myself.  I need rest and stimulation of my choosing, but currently this seems a large task.  I need something new...  a bigger adventure to undertake or a period of recoup.  However, reality barks loudly:  I need to work over break.  Yikes.

*Note: this is the longest entry in about four months, as far as you know, dear reader.*

Only once I was home did I realize that our water pressure is extremely weak.  What once felt like a waterfall on my back is now a sputter.  I cannot believe that even at school my shower is in a hurry.

Everyday I am learning so much about who I am, and sometimes it hurts how ugly I can be.

I feel like my grace period is lifted, and like everyone else, I am an oafish prick.  I hope I can remember how to be beautiful again...  I hope I can remember how beautiful people are again.